People do their best to try to understand everything. Sadly, they do this by making theories, conspiracies, and even using science to explain the unexplainable. Unfortunately, the only problem is understanding that somethings do not need to be explained. Despondently, many people do not understand that there are somethings that we will never comprehend and proud fully not want to. A great example of this is the concept of Heaven and Hell. There are so many stories, movies, and pictures of what Heaven and Hell would be like, but unfortunately none of them are what Heaven and Hell actually looks like or nevertheless could possible feel like. Because no story, movie, or picture would ever portray Heaven and especially hell to its fullest extent since no one on earth has ever experiences such pain or bliss even though those places are much closer to us that we might think. Unluckily, I know this because I personally experience Hell, and trust me Hell does not look like anything from a book or a movie.
I was a young woman at the time who had so many dreams of being a journalist only to put my dreams to a halt because of my foolish lifestyle. The reason is because around that time I was alone and I always felt alone so I did things that I regret , for example; I have taken a variety of pills to quiet the voices in my head ,the voices that told me that I was alone and that I was worthless. I also had sex with hundreds of men in order for them to lie to me and tell me that they are with me and I had value. Because every time I was with them, lying with them, being with them, I did not feel alone. Until, they left, then shame came upon me and the realization that they were feeling the same as me, and will do anything to not feel exactly like me.
A few years later I had a beautiful son, but his life was devastingly ruined because he was born with a terrible, incurable disease. All his life he laid in bed wishing to go outside and play with the other kids and he would beg for me to let him go just one time. Sadly, I was not able to do that because I feared that he would not be able to breath and would die right in front of me. I felt like a pathetic mother who failed as a parent because I was not able to protect my child. I also was not able to keep a roof over his head since I had to pay for all the doctors and medicines. I was about to get evicted from my apartment and be left on the streets with a sick child who needed to be on his oxygen tank. I prayed countless times to every god I knew, but still my child got sicker and sicker as the days went on to the point where I cursed out every god, person, and thing because nothing could help my son get better.
One day I was in my room writing an article that would never be published. Until I heard my child in the other room screaming I quickly ran to his aid only to find him violently screaming in a small, white room with only a table in the corner.
“What’s wrong” I asked.
“Don’t you see it?” asked my son.
“See what? “I asked.
“Them fighting” said the son.
“Who?” I said.
“I don’t understand why you don’t see them, mamma.” Said my child.
“Sweetie, I don’t understand what I suppose to see.” I exclaimed.
Suddenly, the small table that was in the corner of the room collapsed. My son screamed viciously.
“Calm down!” I yelled helplessly. “Everything is going to be ok.”
“Did you see that?” He yelled.
“Yes, dear, I saw it we will just have to get another table besides it was old anyway.” I said.
My son’s eyes became watery.
“Mamma, I really don’t understand why you can’t see them” said the boy.
“Because they’re not real honey you’re having another hallucination” I explained.
“No, mamma that is not the case” said the son. “You just chose to see what you want to see.”
I kissed my son on the cheek and told him that everything was going to be alright. I finally went back to my room to get ready for bed. Until, I stopped in front of the mirror and saw myself. I saw myself not as a mother or a woman. I barely saw myself as a human instead I saw as a worthless creature who did not measure up to the responsibilities I had. I saw myself as a being that did not deserve life and did not deserve to have a son that had all the potential in the world to be a normal child in society, but cannot because of a disease that cannot be cured or taken away.
“That’s it!” I said to myself. “I can’t do this anymore.”
Tears came running down my face as I realized the idea that I had in my head. The idea that would later come true and turn my life into something I was not expecting. That night I stayed up thinking, crying, and hoping that there would be a way out of my misery. Unfortunately, there was no way out until the next morning when it the sun was out and there were clear, blue skies. I went into my son’s room and tapped his shoulder. His tired, red eyes opened as I finally got his attention.
“You want to go outside today?” I asked.
My son smiled and obviously said yes. I slowly cleaned him up and put clothes on him. I also cooked his favorite foods for breakfast then kissed his cheek.
“I’m so excited mommy. I’m finally going to have fun, and meet friends!” said my son smiling.
“Good” I said.
Finally, it was time to get in the car. I first made sure my son was secured in his seat belt then I went to the driver’s side and started the car. We drove off hundreds of miles to places that were abnormal to my son’s eyes. My son looked so fascinated with all the sites until hours later he realized that I was still driving hundreds of miles.
“Mamma, where are we going?” said my son.
“You’ll see soon” I said nonchalantly.
Hours had passed until we were finally at a huge lake with dark blue water and fast tides. I drove my car on a wooden dock and stared at the huge lake.
“Mamma, are we going to get out soon?” said the son.
“No, sweetheart” I said.
“When are we going to get out?” asked my child.
“Never” I mumbled.
“Never?” repeated the boy.
“Yes, son, we are never getting out the car?” I explained with tears in my eyes.
“Why?” asked the boy.
“You will never understand this, but it is for your own good.” I said.
My son looked very puzzled and confused. Unfortunately, I could not explain it to him anymore about this decision that would change our lives. I slowly, turned to him and told him I loved him and he smiled and said he loved me too. I gradually turned back to the steering wheel and pushed my foot fully on the accelerator. The car suddenly drove off the dock and was airborne.
“Maammma!” yelled my son.
I ignored the scream as the car plunged into the lake with such force that it broke the glass. I can feel my child struggling to get free luckily he was not able to. I just relaxed as the water rushed into my lungs and closed my eyes because I knew our lives’ was about to change into us not having or needing a life anymore.